How To Rediscover Your True Self and Find Your Joy Again
Have you lost yourself after spending too many years being the daughter, wife, mother and friend that other people expected you to be?
Begin to reconnect with your authentic self today.
Three words and photo: a simple way to reconnect with the essential you
I invite you to find a photograph of yourself when you were about six or seven. Preferably, this will be a photo that captures your young spirit. If a photo is not available, you can picture that girl in your mind’s eye, but a photo is best.
Okay, have it? Good. Now, look at the photo. Look at that little girl. Really look at her. Who do you see? Who is that little girl? Pick three adjectives to describe her personality, her essence, her true nature. Hopefully, the words come easily when you see her. She just IS those things. Back to present day. And those three words. Do they describe…you? Can you recognise any part of those words in who you are now? Maybe a little. Hopefully a lot.
But, if you are like most women, you are so far away from those words you can't remember a time when they ever actually described you. The thing is, you still are those things. Deep down. The little girl in that photo and the woman you are today are the same person. That’s who you were then, that’s who you are now at your core.
Life has added so many layers that you can’t find that person anymore. But she is in there, I promise. And finding her, removing all those layers that were never yours in the first place, that is how you start to find your authentic self. You remember who you are. You remember your essence because that is who you were at seven, it is who you are now, and it is who you will be when you are 90.
Becoming the good girl, but losing yourself in the process
How do we lose our authentic self? It’s a death by a thousand cuts. Actually, death by a thousand “pleases” is more like it. We want everyone to like us, And how do we make that happen? We make sure we are doing absolutely everything to please them. Because if we please them, they will like us. We won’t have to deal with conflict, won’t have to deal with those uncomfortable feelings of someone being upset with us, or, heaven forbid, not liking us.
It starts young. We want to please our parents. We learn at a very early age to override our own emotions to make sure we are doing the “right” thing, behaving the “right” way so our parents are happy with us. For many women, this is the genesis of the good girl syndrome. We are told to be good little girls and we learn to behave accordingly. Good girls don't get angry. They don’t raise their voice. Good girls behave. Good girls always do the right thing. So we learn to deny any feelings that don’t conform to being a good girl, especially anger.
The truth, however, is that anger is a normal, healthy emotion. Anger has a purpose. It’s telling us something. It needs to be expressed in constructive ways, but when we felt anger when we were younger, because we were “good” girls and good girls didn’t express anger, we learned to deny it, to push it down. We learned to abandon how we actually felt in order to please someone else, in this case, our parents.
The cycle continued, first with our parents, then our friends, then our partners, then our children. We wanted everyone to like us, so we made sure we were pleasing them all. We said yes when we wanted to say no. We put everyone and everything else first. We became exhausted from constantly giving, yet we somehow felt we were not doing enough, we weren’t good enough, and everyone else was doing it all better. And along the way, we slowly, slowly, abandoned ourselves. We lost ourselves by playing the good girl role.
Peeling back the layers
Look at your photograph and those three words again. How do you reconnect with that person who is still very much YOU when you feel so far away from her? The layers have to come off.
You need to shed the “good girl” mindset that resulted from years of conditioning, from years of prioritising everyone but yourself. The photograph is a great place to start. Remember that little girl, reconnect with the spirit of who she was. Know that you are still he. That is still your spirit today. That’s a start. You have a lifetime of habits to break: the habit of outsourcing your power, of trusting everyone else more than you trust yourself, of constantly making sure everyone else is happy. This is ingrained in you.
Tuning in, increasing awareness, and using your voice
As with all things, awareness is key. Awareness means coming out of auto-pilot and tuning in. The ability to tune into yourself is an underdeveloped muscle and it is going to take time and patience to learn to use it again. Allow yourself the necessary time and patience, and lots of self-compassion. Begin to notice when you are not being yourself. You can actually feel it in your body.
Notice the signs: the tenseness in your shoulders when you say yes to something you don’t want to do; the set of your jaw when you bite your tongue instead of speaking up; the headache when you’ve put one more thing on your already overloaded plate.
Begin to get in touch with your own inner voice. It may be very quiet, but I promise it is in there. That voice, that quiet little voice, is the voice that knows what is best for you. Start to listen to it. Start to trust it. The more you tune in and listen, the more you trust it, the more you act on it, the more you become your authentic self. Start using your voice, even if it shakes, even if your heart is racing. You have something to say. You belong in the room.
Catch yourself before you automatically say “yes.” Do you want to say yes? Or is this the old conditioning making you feel like you have to say yes, making you feel guilty for even thinking of saying no? Pause before you say yes. Even if you end up saying yes, the pause was a break in that automatic circuit. Congratulate yourself for noticing. You are on the way!
The next time, pause again. Notice how you feel. Then, instead of saying “yes” right away, perhaps say something like “let me get back to you about that.” You may end up still saying yes, but maybe, just maybe, you will end up saying no. The pause allows you to maintain agency over your choice.
Celebrate your beautiful, authentic self
Begin to accept that it’s essential for you to take care of yourself. What does that look like for you? It looks like figuring out what you want or need and asking for it. It looks like remembering what brings you joy and adding more of that into your life. Are you creative? Did you used to love to paint or write or knit? Go get some yarn. Start knitting again. Did you used to love riding a bike? Dig out that bike and go ride it.
Whatever brings you joy, make time for it. It’s about knowing you don’t want to feel exhausted all the time and asking for help when you need it. It’s about knowing you don't have to figure everything out by yourself, you don't have to do it all alone. Put yourself at the top of your to-do list. If that sounds selfish to you, a perspective shift is needed. By taking care of yourself, you are providing the best version of you with the time and space it needs to grow. And that person, that more confident, fulfilled and joyful version of you, is exactly who this world needs.
Why would you want to deprive yourself and your loved ones of that best version of you? It’s time to find that person again. Be brave. You have permission to show up as the person you want to be now. Bring that confident, fulfilled, joyful, person to the world. You will benefit, your partner will benefit, your children will benefit, your friends will benefit. That is the opposite of selfish. You are beautiful and unique and have your own way of being in this world that no one else has. That is your superpower. There is only one you. Find her and embrace her.
Petra Amrein - Integrative Health Coach ~ helping you create a life you love ~ mind, body, & spirit wellness
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