THIS IS: AMBER’S STORY
Amber Rose, founder of Sacred Woman, is a trauma-informed coach + mentor for women who want to explore, embody and fall in love with what it means to be WOMAN.
Through radical self awareness, self enquiry, self care and self love, and reconnecting you with the innate wisdom and power of your menstrual cycle, Amber guides women to truly know themselves, to transform the way we relate to ourselves, and to show up in life and in love as the woman we desire to be.
Her premise is: We were never supposed to do this alone. Let me walk you home.
Growing up as a bare-foot, wild-haired kid at the beach in Kenya, I had very little exposure to the pressures of society when it came to beauty.
So arriving in the UK aged 9, with my frizzy dirty blonde curls and no concept of “fashion” or makeup, was a shock to the system to say the least. I didn’t fit in whatsoever with the girls at school, and whilst I wasn’t bullied for the way I looked, but rather for being the ‘weird’ kid, it took a toll, and I spent most of my time squirrelled away in the library, hiding behind aforementioned frizz.
Then came secondary school, and the awful arrival of cystic acne. I couldn’t leave the house unless I was caked in make up (remember the maybelline days?!), and sometimes I would flat out refuse to go to school because I felt so disgusting in my skin. I couldn’t even look in the mirror at times because the grief that welled up would be so overwhelming.
Acne AND frizz was unbearable, so I started to straighten my hair religiously, and from the age of 13 was dying it a different colour every few months, trying to find my “style”. It’s interesting writing this now, because for the first time since then, at age 28, I’m intentionally growing out my natural colour, and putting in ludicrous amounts of effort to restore those curls (moment of solidarity for all the curly girls out there).
Then of course was the era of push up bras. A time when I only felt “hot” if my boobs were pushed halfway up to my chin with an underwire digging painfully into my ribs. Thinking back to this brings up such a multitude of emotions - from genuine LOL what was I doing?!?!, to insurmountable grief for that younger version of me, seeking validation through sexualising her body. And further grief still as I look out on the world of social media now and see girls even younger than I was then doing the same - this needs to change.
Suffice to say, my teens - like for many of us - were NOT my “beauty” era.
Leaving the UK changed things…or so I thought
I’d never felt at home in the UK, so I left as soon as I turned 18, and started working as a stewardess on superyachts and solo-backpacking the world in my free time.
And what a contrast that was!
Working on the yachts meant polished perfectionism at all times; backpacking meant living out of a <20kg backpack for 4-8 months, doing laundry once a week and giving up on makeup because it just melted off your face anyway on the 12 hour buses.
When I was travelling it kinda stopped mattering what I looked like, because we were all in the same category of hostel-hopping vagabond, and I was never going to see these people again anyway.
Yet in the stints in between backpacking, when I’d go back to Europe to work for a while, out came the makeup and straighteners and padded bras.
It took several cycles of this for me to become aware of the pattern, and with it the awareness that I was very afraid that if I wasn’t “beautiful” in the “real world” I would be rejected - bringing me right back to those primary school days!
I became aware that in my attempts to avoid this, I had been repeatedly rejecting and abandoning myself, keeping myself stuck in a perpetual loop of seeking acceptance and validation from outside of myself.
I realised that beauty had nothing to do with the way that I looked, and everything to do with the way that I was relating to myself.
Once I started to internally validate myself, and create the inner safety I so desperately needed through self acceptance, I was able to stop “needing” to be what (I perceived) others wanted me to be, and just be who I was.
At this time in my life, I was also just starting to embark on a journey of reconnecting with my menstrual cycle, and with my own femininity and what it meant to me to be a woman.
The last several years of my life have been entirely devoted to this path - to getting to know myself so so so so intimately, getting curious about why I am the way I am and who I’d like to become, and bringing compassion to all those younger versions of me who were so willing to turn away from herself in order to “secure” love, safety and belonging.
It has been, and continues to be, a journey of self-awareness, self-enquiry, self-care and self-love.
And just like our own bodies, just like nature herself, it has been a cyclical path.
Conditioning isn't something that happens to us once and then it’s done. We are constantly being conditioned. We are constantly being exposed to beauty standards and narratives, and constantly being held up to a mirror that says - this is what is acceptable, and this is what is not.
And so de-conditioning or healing isn’t a once and done thing either, but a continuous and cyclical journey that we are taking throughout our lives.
We often put so much pressure on ourselves to get it all figured out in one go, and then if we get triggered, we consider it a regression or a failure, when what it really is is an honest expression of this cyclical nature of healing - re-visiting the same old stories, but, if you’re doing the work, healing deeper layers each time.
There are days - usually in my inner spring and summer - where I couldn’t give a flying fuck what the mirror reflects back to me. I feel deeply rooted in who I am and I’m able to be completely myself and fully express that to the world.
And sometimes - usually when I’m inner autumn or pre-menstrual - something gets poked, or a word or opinion lands somewhere a little tender and vulnerable, and I notice myself contracting and withdrawing, once again afraid to be seen, afraid to express myself.
I have come to find this to be such a gift, because it gives me the opportunity to go inside and see where I’m still subtly self-rejecting or self-abandoning, and to do the work to bring acceptance and love to whatever parts of me need it.
Feeling the fierce and unshakable truth of my own love has been the most transformational thing I’ve ever experienced and I feel a burning desire for every woman to experience this too
My work with women has changed shape a hundred times but what it really comes back to time and time again is helping women to truly know, be and love themselves.
I want to help every woman set down the sword and the shield she has raised, stop being so damn hard on herself, and feel safe enough to soften.
I want to help every woman to feel at ease within her own body, and to feel confident owning and expressing who she really is.
I want to see a world where women look into the mirror and see a damn miracle
Where my daughters and your daughters grow up seeing their mothers loving themselves, moving in high self worth, taking radical self responsibility for who they are, and having the courage to live out loud.
I want to see a world of women walking side by side, hand in hand, instead of competing and comparing and putting themselves into the bucket of ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’.
Where we are safe enough to express all parts of ourselves, and capable of meeting ourselves and one another with grace and love through it all.
I believe that this movement begins with each of us getting curious
Get curious with yourself.
Get curious about all parts of yourself, and learn how to be present with all of you with equal love and grace.
Get curious about your patterns and what is getting poked when those feelings of not enough-ness or too much-ness arise.
Get curious with your inner critic - give her a name and a personality, and when she’s in your head picking you apart, invite her to take a seat with you, and ask her what’s really going on.
I promise you, she isn’t trying to hurt you. She’s trying to protect you. And you hating her (you) for it, only serves to reject and abandon and suppress her (you) even more.
Get curious about how you desire to relate to yourself, and what’s in the space between where you are now, and there.
And witness how in the simple act of doing this, the way you relate to yourself actually begins to transform, and you begin to create the safety that you need to actually just be you.
And lastly, Amber, what is your perception of beauty?
“Beauty is owning every part of you, and having the courage to live out loud and let the world see who you really are, instead of who you think they want you to be.” - Amber rose
Free Resources
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Website: withloveamberrose.com
Email: hello@withloveamberrose.com
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